The one thing I have always wanted to do in my life is write. And I don’t mean just writing writing but writing well. Unfortunately I have not been very successful at it. Every time I see something interesting I want to write about it. But I somehow never sit down then and there and by the time I do, all the words, the phraseology I have thought and practiced in my mind earlier has flown out, leaving rather trite sounding phrases. This is possibly the first time in my entire life I have actually forced myself to sit down and write right then what I thought out. I did keep a diary once but ended up using it mostly for self piteous tales of suffering and sorrow that I was facing, which is why the experiment shut down in about two months. The thing about writing is what you write sounds brilliant to you but could well be the most clichéd crap ever written and how to make out the difference? I sometimes think that maybe I do have it in me to be a good writer, and frankly, if I could write really good MBs too I wouldn’t be that embarrassed (a bit though). But that feeling really doesn’t last. I wish there was some way you could be sure that what you were doing was good and right and had a point, and very hollywoodly, made a difference.
When I watch some really nice movie or read a really nice book or see something interesting, I feel something that I want to put down somewhere for permanence and show it around, am not sure why. I have this huge urge to talk to everyone about what I thought then, what came into my mind. But that feeling never lasts that long. 10 minutes, half an hour down the lane, I have lost that feeling. And am scared that it is because some part of me that can feel has in some way been hurt that I can no longer feel anything unless am actually going through it right then. And what am most afraid of is that it is because of what I have done to myself or what choices I have made that this part of me had died and now there is no going back. And so I keep forcing myself to be intense about things, to pretend that I feel more than I actually do or should, incase I can use that to go back to a time when I hadn’t lost that part and maybe someday I could feel again and be able to make people understand what I feel and write well.
I earlier use to think it was lack of experience, that once I learnt more, saw more I could do better at everything. But I think one of the real reasons that I still can’t write well is that I am not writing for myself yet. Half my reason is to be read and praised by others. I don’t just want to write well, I want people to think I write well and appreciate it and frankly, I want the jing bang of fame and fortune which some extraordinarily dumb people are getting nowadays for churning out utter rot. My imagination soars high above the ground when I think of what I will do with the money and the fame and how gracious I would be, the oh so simple person at heart. Unfortunately it fails me when I want to write what will supposedly (hopefully?) lead me to this fate. Which is perhaps one more hint that I should stay away from writing till then.
9 years ago
